Trip planning underway. Planning on Iowa, Nebraska, South Dakota, Wyoming, and Colorado. Probably be gone about 2 weeks. No definitive plan, no reservations, just me my smart phone and an honest to goodness atlas.
This is how my day started. After getting up at 0545...
Went to the marina to rent a boat. Wednesdays is half off day with a coupon, and I'm not ashamed to say I used one! $75 for an all day 24 ft pontoon boat rental... I'd lay out a coupon for that any day.
Got there first thing because we didn't want to miss a boat because we went too late. So I went early and then back home to get BFB and GFB. BFB was awesome and had sandwiches made and the cooler packed, and the fishing gear ready by the time I got home!
(Cooler consisted of Juice pouches, 2 types of hard cider, strawberries and cantaloupe marinated overnight in some peach skyy, Reuben sandwiches, and vanilla Pepsi.). Not bad eats for a boat trip.
The weather was fantastically beautiful, and we all enjoyed the sun. And will probably pay for it tomorrow. We all got a bit pink around the edges.
Swimming was great, the waters not more than 40 feet deep, so it was comfortable. Not too cool or too warm. Just right.
We drowned a few worms and even caught a few fish.
I had a fantastic day, and I even got to drive the boat!
I find myself in a strange place. Not physically, but psychologically or maybe metaphorically.
I'm not working at the moment. I'm waiting on the credentialing process with the Government, which takes FOREVER. I'm in a relatively new city. I've been here since March, but really haven't made any "connections". I have those that I live with, but I really don't have anyone I could call "Friend".
Often (OK almost ALL THE TIME) I find myself without anything to do. Sure I could go to the mall, or to the local Mart of Wal, or wherever, but shopping really isn't it for me. Not to mention the fact that although I have money, I am at this point technically unemployed. Going out and spending doesn't really make a lot of sense.
My first inclination is to clean everything in sight, and reorganize, reorganize, reorganize. Well, since at least one of my SO's is sleeping during the day most days, (often both are), making a bunch of cleaning noise really isn't nice. and as for the reorganizing, most of the stuff isn't mine. and even if they were awake, If I were to go on a cleaning frenzy, I'd likely drive one or both of them crazy in short order. The fact that I already barely let a dirty dish sit in the sink for more than a few minutes, or that the second I see a laundry basket sorta full, I snatch it away to the laundry room may already be making GFB a bit crazy.
I've done as many free online CME's as I can. Perhaps I need to scour the interweb for another decent free site. (again, not wanting to spend unnecessary money) I have tried sitting down with the study guide(s) for my CCRN, but just cant seem to settle to the task of really studying.
I've downloaded a bunch of books to my Kindle, and do a fair amount of reading, but none of it is what anyone would call enlightening or intellectual. its basically crap to keep my brain from imploding out of boredom.
I spend some time outside sitting in the sun, but I'm a bit more hesitant to do that since I had a little skin scare a few weeks ago. (turns out to be nothing, but I'm not as willing to tempt fate by baking myself in the sun nonstop at this point)
I do like to run, and exercise and the like, but frankly at this time of year, Middle America is too DAMN HOT, and humid outside to do much exercising outdoors. And the house is very space limited. Unless there's a major stuff dump, or overhaul of the downstairs bedroom/ office/ radio room/ sewing room, I really have no place to do that either. Again not wanting to spend money for a gym.
I've spent a good amount of time on Facebook, and playing Candy Crush, to the point that I think most of my FB friends are sick of me asking for more lives. And also gone practically blind playing on the tiny phone screen. I've been much more prolific with blogging. Not sure why, I'm pretty sure almost no one reads this anyway! Kinda makes me wish I had the plot or even the beginnings of a plot, or the ability to write. I'd contemplate a novel. (yeah, I hear laughter in my head at that thought too)
I'm still planning my solo trip wandering across the country to wherever I happen to feel like going, but that's a couple weeks out because of GFB's shoulder surgery. Hopefully she'll be functional enough a week or so after that she'll be ok during the day so BFB can sleep, and ok enough to make do on her own while he's gone to work at night. If not.... then I stay home.
Really what I'm saying is that I'm incredibly freaking bored. Back in NY I had friends that I'd known 15 plus years. I had a volunteer gig or two to keep me occupied. I had a house to take care of, a yard to play with, and no one to wake up or to care if I was vacuuming, or cleaning the oven at O'dark 30.
Its very strange to be damn near (grumble) 40 and not have any friends to fall back on.
And how the hell do you make friends at this age anyway?
Actually they're pumpkin peanut butter dog biscuits. Just some random leftover pumpkin that needed using. And some wheat... Freshly ground. So far Dixie likes the raw dough, and the novelty of being allowed in the kitchen while cooking.
The past few days I've been realizing how far I've come in the past 18 months. Also realizing there are a few areas I still need to work on.
Without even knowing it BFB abd GFB are helping me overcome quite a few years of negative conditioning
It's things like the pic above that keep doing that. The message changes daily, but it's always some version of "I love you because...." I also reciprocate with messages for them.
Everyday I get stronger. Everyday I take another step back toward being me.
Long story short.... Bad marriage, divorce pending, parents I no longer speak to for various reasons. Both with one recurring theme.. Nothing I ever did was good enough, constant anxiety on my part that I wasn't doing something right, that my actions would displease *someone* and that a fight would ensue. He never laid a hand on me, but the emotional aspect of what I now realize was abuse was bad enough. That was for 14 years, carried over from what my parents started when I was little.
It's interesting that I never really realized it was abuse. I'm trained to recognize this in others, but for whatever reason I never saw it in my own relationship. I'm now learning that a lot of what my reality was, isn't how life was supposed to be.
A few months ago I made an 1100 mile road trip to move out here to middle America. At first I rejected offers of a driving buddy. But as the time to leave drew closer I had anxiety about being able to make the trip that far. Alone. I'd never driven that far at all, much less by myself. Problem was I didn't want to make it with someone else either, because all my previous road trip experiences were with the Ex. And those almost inevitably ended up with me in tears at some point, my driving criticized, and having my passenger grabbing for dear life or flinching at every move or lane change or hard braking incident to the point where pulling over and getting out was my only option. And driving in bad weather or heavy traffic... Panic producing, because I was so afraid to have an accident, or that I couldn't handle the heavy traffic. It would just prove that I couldn't do anything right, and was useless.
Needless to say I was glad I accepted BFB's offer to drive with me. It was kind of a running joke with my friends at home that it was gonna be a hell of a test of a relationship (one that up to that point had been 90% long distance) to drive 1100 miles in 2 days. At least everyone thought it was a joke. I was petrified. All turned out well, and we made it in one piece. No fights, no arguments, no tears.
And it wasn't a road trip without incident.... Oh no... My car tried to kill us with a cruise control malfunction on the way to breakfast.... Scary, but relatively easily fixed, and no drama about it. Then the last couple hours of the trip we encountered some SEVERE WEATHER!
I was scared enough in the passenger seat. But BFB seemed to have a good handle on things, and I sat quietly... Keeping an eye on the surroundings and the weather radar via phone.
Then we stopped during a break in the weather for gas, and copilot tells me he's fried from driving through the storm, can I drive the rest of the way? Instant panic. The weather looked ok then but I knew it was going to get nasty between there and home. But without saying a word, I drove. Into the worst storm I've ever driven through. And copilot fell asleep in the passenger seat. Snoring. Solid asleep. The ex never trusted me driving in GOOD weather to sleep that soundly.
Since then there have been other times when I'm amazed at how smoothly things go. GFB and I organizing a garage and a basement, building shelves. Together. Without fighting. Shopping trips that don't end on tears, and another shorter road trip with BFB that went off without a hitch.
It's been 4 months of all of us living together, and just a smidge more than a year since we consider all of us "together".
Are things perfect? Heck no. We still fight. We still disagree. We still get cranky and miserable sometimes. But it's not what I was used to. We're all still figuring eachother and our relationship dynamics out...but I feel comfortable, and I feel safe. That's a long way from where I was at the end of 2012. Some of that's me, and some of that is 2 wonderful people showing me everyday what it means to be loved.
Thank you, and I love you with all my heart.
I may still have my moments, the insecurities aren't just going to go away, but every day I get better.
I've gone to this drive in for years, and the place will be surely missed. Hope the owners decide to rebuild.
Last night the storm here was a bit wild. BFB and GFB and I were sitting out back with our feet in the pool, watching the lightening bugs, smelling the summer air, and watching the light show, and listening to the thunder in the distance from the storm that was *supposed* to go to the north of is on the other side of the highway.
All of a sudden the wind kicked up, and BFB made a comment that essentially stated we were about to have some not so pleasant weather. In the process of packing up our chairs, kindles, iPhones and adult beverages.. A tree branch, albeit a small one comes flying at us. Needless to say, the packing up process got a little less orderly and amounted to grab your stuff and run! GFB wore a good portion of her beverage, and proceeded into the shower. BFB and I were somewhat luckier in the beverage department, and decided to hang out on the porch with the neighbors. BFB made a run inside for car keys to the newest vehicle when a distinct cracking noise was heard from the tree above where the car was parked.
Other than some wind and rain, essentially no damage.
Hopefully we can get through the remainder of summer storm season just as unscathed.
BFB has a few days off work. (Fingers crossed here that no one calls in for the next 3 days). Today was a sleep in kind of day. Up at 1430 ish... Caffeinated... And off to the range.
Much better luck at the range today than last Sunday. I'm gonna have a wicked bruise on my shoulder from his .308 but I'm not particularly upset. I'll just add it to the ones on my foot and arm from my trampoline gymnastics the other night. (Don't ask.... But I have been reminded by these activities that I am indeed not 21 anymore!)
Home from the range, after a quick stop at Wally World for a few dinner fixins, to make dinner. (White wine, garlic, basil and Dijon marinated chicken breasts)
Now suitably full and in couch potato state of mind.
Just glad to have us all home together for dinner and whatever form of activity or non activity we choose tonight. Sit outside by the pool? Maybe. Veg on the couch with mindless tv or movie? Likely. Maybe even a game of Cards Against Humanity. (Not sure why we bother... The dog always wins!)
Happy week to everyone else... It's our weekend, and we're gonna enjoy it!
Gotta do some shopping in the next few days. GFB needs some men's button up shirts, some loose tank tops and some gym shorts and sweats.
She's gonna be without the right wing for at least 2 weeks and maybe as many as 6. This oughta be fun. Sometime while she's still stuck in a sling, before she starts physical therapy, is when I plan on taking my road trip. Sorry BFB.
So anyway... Shopping trip. Most of the stuff is short term use, and doesn't need to be fancy, so we'll be hitting the thrift stores. Have I mentioned that GFB isn't really a fan of shopping?...
Yeah. I think I'll just pick stuff out and get us out of there. The last time she tried on jeans, I sat in a chair for an hour. After wandering the store for 45 minutes.
At some point before new job starts I'm planning on a solo road trip. probably through Nebraska and into South Dakota, before turning south through Colorado.... not really sure of the route or any stops along the way. Planning on taking a tent and minimal camping gear. I can even sleep in my car if I need to.
There's a couple places on the list to visit, but plans are far from solid. I just want to go and see stuff and take pictures and have the experience. I don't have work right now, and things at home will continue to function just fine without me. I think this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me.
I'm not trying to "find myself" or trying to escape from anything. I just think having this kind of time off and the financial means to travel for a week or two, is an opportunity I really can't or shouldn't pass up.
Might I just "find myself" while I'm roaming? Maybe. I don't particularly think I'm lost, but I may just learn new things about myself. Or I may be miserable and sad after a few days and abort the trip and come home early.
I think I'll come out of this missing the folks at home, and with some really great pictures, and maybe a rewarding experience. Maybe it'll be the trip of a lifetime for me.
Any ideas, places I absolutely must see? I'm definitely open to suggestions.
Planning on staying north and west of home, but not as far as California or as far north as Canada.
More details when they become available.
For those that don't know, there are several ongoing legal issues in my life. (All of you get your mind out of the bad place... It's not like THAT!)
Trying to finalize a divorce that's been in progress since December of 2012. Per the last conversation with my lawyer all I need is to sign one piece of paper and get it back to him. Problem is, I can't get him to call me back or send it to me. I've been leaving increasingly urgent and decreasingly friendly messages for him to call me back for the last 2 weeks. I'm so ready for the entire process to be over.
The other is revolving around my late grandfathers estate. Long story short: family drama abounds. There is a property sale involved, and not only does this aforementioned family drama keep me from finalizing the estate and bring rid of these offending family members forever, the buyer of said property is now left hanging. Totally unfair to her. I wish people would heal themselves of their rectal cranial inversion, and stop being so hateful. The lawyer handling this also seems to have broken fingers or has his jaw wired shut, because he hadn't seen fit to call me back after several unhappy messages in the last few weeks either.
So here I am. Stuck with a very large amount of time off, and nothing to do but wait.
And for anyone who knows me... I'm not exactly known for my patience.
So everyone please say a prayer to whoever or whatever you pray to, stick pins in your voodoo dolls with these lawyers in mind, cast spells or wave your magic wands in hopes that all this gets handled before I lose what's left of my mind, and before BFB and GFB need to find somewhere to hide my body.