Sunday, October 19, 2014

This shit's getting real.

Just started a new job, which I absolutely LOVE.  BFB just started his new job.  He hasn't been there long enough to love it, but at this point it's safe to say that he doesn't hate it.  GFB has a job.  And that's about all the nice I can say about that.  And I've always been told "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  So, life is rolling along and things are going well. Nothing is perfect, and frankly I don't expect it to be.  That's the nature of life.

Biggest issue these days is that with work schedules we all just don't seem to really have any free time to connect with each other, to enjoy free time together.  Now, BFB and I are kind of solitary types.  Definitely need our alone time, for our own mental health and cookies.  But we can have "alone time" while we're in the same room, on the same couch even.  We can do that and not need to talk.  And often we will do this for hours at a time.

Now, our schedules are exactly opposite each other.  On the days I'm off...  he's working 12 hours.  and vice versa.  Now add to that the fact that in 2 weeks I start nights again.  SO He's going to be off and on a day schedule, while I'm trying to sleep.  Meaning he's going to be home when I'm home and because I have to sleep, I STILL don't get to spend any time with him.  And GFB gets up at the ass crack of dawn every week day, comes home after work and physical therapy and can barely stay awake long enough to not fall asleep in her mashed potatoes at the dinner table.

None of these things are really great news.  Now, I'm not really worried about the relationship.  We love each other and this is one of those temporary speed bumps that we have to deal with in the course of building a life together.  So I'm not really worried. (I said that already didn't I?)
Now add in this little world crisis called Ebola.

For those of you that don't know  (and why would you?  Who reads this crap anyway?) I work in health care.  For the Government.  Not only is Ebola coming, it's already here.  There are many different schools of thought about this disease.  Some aren't really afraid, and are listening to the supposed "people in the know" that say that it'll never overwhelm this country because of our fantastic medical system and resources.  I'd like to live in their fantasy world.  ME??  I'm scared.  There's a 99.9-100% chance that I'm going to encounter this virus in the course of my daily work in the next 6 months to a year.  I'm undecided what I'm going to do at that point.

BFB mentioned in his own blog post that we're having some hard discussions at home.  We are.
Mainly about what I'm supposed to do when this virus does hit my hospital here in quiet Middle America.  Do I come home?  Do I continue to go to work?  Can I afford not to?  If I do work, can I or should I continue to come home?  Am I confident in my ability to don and doff my PPE 110% correctly each and every time?  Am I confident in the PPE the Government is going to give me to work with?  The unfortunate answer to these questions is terrifyingly "I don't know", and in one or two cases, "NO"

So now this is my reality.  I have significant others that I love to the end of the earth and back, but that I barely see even now.  What happens if I have to work with this plague, and we as a group decide that it's probably better if I don't come home until things cool off.  On one hand, I'm pissed that I can't (or won't) go home.  But on the other, do I want to risk exposing those I love to something horrific?  Where does that put all of us relationship wise?  Again... terrifying answer is "I don't know".

All I know right now is that despite the fact that I love my job, I'm not sure healthcare is the best industry to be in right now. FML.

Sunday, October 12, 2014


Weddings.  So many different kinds.  Different kinds for different folks.  Some are simple, some are fancy, and some are dramatic.  I feel like the type of wedding you and yours choose says a lot about your relationship style.  
My first one was relatively mellow, but combined with the trappings of a holiday.  I'm not really sure what that says about the relationship.  The fact that we're now divorced (almost) seems to say a lot more.  
2 years ago I said I'd never do it again.  Funny how now that it's not an option, I feel disappointed that it's not.  Feeling that way about a couple things lately.
That's just me being melancholy.  And it's silly.  These are things that I can't change.  And I'm happy with my life.  

Guess it's just human nature to want what we can't have.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Back into the swing of things, a genreal Life update

After a week of Orientation, or what I like to refer to as "Death By Powerpoint"  I am finally back in an ICU.  I am happy to see that I haven't lost my ICU skills, and that as much as I thought this would be stressful, it isn't.  It is certainly a bit different from what I'm used to, but it's not a bad different.  Just a "different" kind of different. 
Everyone here has been extremely kind and welcoming.  I've even been tagged by one of the nurse educators that did my first week of "hospital orientation" to help teach a new Blood Administration class sometime this fall.  The Unit Culture where I work is very similar to where I came from, even though the ICU here is smaller in scale and quite a bit less busy.  I am getting the hang of things in the new place, and feel like I made the right choice and that this is a good place for me, now... and long term.
There are definitely some skills I need to brush up on, and I've already started doing so, but all in all I feel very comfortable with my skills, and clearly so do those who are orienting me.  My first day I was basically told that since I had significant ICU experience that they were going to see what I was "made of".  They weren't going to let me sink, but they wanted to see how well I could swim.  And threw me into the deep end of the proverbial ICU nursing pool.  Well, I think I did a hell of a lot better than they expected me to.  That's not to say I didn't need a bit of help, because the paperwork, computer system and charting are all quite a bit different that what I'm used to, but for my first day I know I exceeded my own expectations and I hope I exceeded theirs.  Today was day 3, and I am functioning almost completely independently.  I'm pretty happy with that.
At some point, probably when my official "orientation" wraps up, and I am really cut loose on my own, I'm going back to school for my bachelors degree, and maybe farther. I was lucky to get hired where I am with only an associates degree, and don't have a lot of advancement opportunities (read this as raises in my salary) without furthering my education.  I also, sorta, kinda, maybe, might be interested in teaching at some point, which makes an advanced degree a necessity.  I'm thinking online nursing program, with an RN to MSN track.  (If anyone knows of a good one out there, I'm willing to entertain recommendations.)
On the home front things are looking good.  BFB has a job offer, and will hopefully start work soon.  Right now he has a bit of time off, (probably not enough), and can hopefully relax a little after the stresses of the past few months. 
Still waiting for the estate to settle, this has become significantly more than a painful thorn in my side that I am looking forward to getting rid of.  Enough is enough already.
The divorce is reportedly only waiting for a judges signature.  That was supposed to be finalized by the end of September, but I've yet to receive paperwork to that effect.  My lawyer however, has been very prompt in sending me his final bill. 
(I'm sure no one is shocked)

Off to hit the books.  Happy Fall everyone.